stigmas.

Many memories and experiences stick to you. They do not go away. They are not forgotten, and you are constantly reminded of them. These stigmas often dampen our day, and result in the withdrawn reservations that we all have. They act as stains in our clothes that we cannot wash off. Like a sauce stain on a shirt, we a constantly reminded of it. Every sauce stain has its story: where you got the stain, how you got the stain, what the stain is, how how you tried to get rid of the stain.

Well, just like sauce stains on shirts, each stigma in our life also comes with a story and baggage. Such reminders and objects which can be associated with a place can often remind us of such stigmas. Whether this be a particular place, a particular person, a particular sound, a particular thing and so on. We all try to avoid such reminders as we often do not want to remember such things. Instead, we want to suppress them, forget about them.

But stigmas, like stains, do not disappear, they are always there. These are the memories that a not as extreme as traumatic, but are severe enought to hurt you, to change you, and to shape you into a different preson than who you were in the first plac.e These memories are constantly there for us to face.

We can't avoid such stigmas, or hope that they disappear. We just have to learn to deal with them. Learn to accept them. Acknowledge that they are there and have a influence on our current state of mind and the decisions we make. But like with any old shirt with a sauce stain, just one day, maybe you will finally get a new shirt and get it replaced. :)

another sauce stain on my white t-shirt.
walked across a red light and then i got fined.
but i will never see the world in gray.
it happens everyday, but that's okay.

time and change.

As time goes on people change, and yet we are all still faced with the same demons, the same dramas.

The only difference is, we tackle them head-on differently each time. Time and time again, we learn from our mistakes, we try to improve the outcome, and the people around us we want to protect change.

Confrontation of such issues change over time. When we are young there isn't such a thing as humility or shame. We do things care-freely regardless of the consequences, and as a result, we tend to ignore such issues. We become oblivious to the truth, and if we are aware of such ongoings, there is always that rock, that special someone, that we are dependent upon.

As we grow older, we try to do things our own way. We try to stand on our own two feet, and step away from the stability that has walked hand in hand with us for all these years. We try to do things that best suit ourselves, things that are most beneficial for ourselves - a more selfish, dog eat dog approach.

But as we age even more, we learn to approach things not just purely for ourselves, but for the ones we love and the ones we care about too. Your priorities change.

do you remember?

Remember the times where you can talk endlessly with your friends for hours?

Remember the times where all you want to do was eat eat EAT?!?!

Remember the times when all you can do is gossip and talk about others?

Remember the times where expressing how you feel and letting it all out wasn't awkward?

Remember the times where you just sit and chill and forget what's going on around you?

Remember the times where you run when it's pouring and just laugh about it?

Remember the times where being an Asian stinge at it's best allows you to maximise value?

Remember the times when you bump into random people you know because it's such a small world?

Today, was one of those days. Haven't had one in ages, but it was a really enjoyable night. ^^

reminiscent past.

When confronted with essences of the past, we often wonder how to approach it: fight or flight.

Emotions come flooding in whether it be due to a joyous reminiscent or fear from guilt of something shameful. How we react often depends on what kind of past is presented in front of us, and often, what you never anticipated in the past, may become the one reality that exists in the future because of such happenings.

When the past is 'haunting' us, shock, fear, and stress is often incited. Why does this occur? Most people often feel such emotions if they have something to hide, something they don't want others knowing and something that they are shamed of. These are the memories that we all wish to forget, the memories that we never wanted to see again. Whilst we do live in a world full of lies, twisted webs, and deception, often many of us are to oblivious to notice the smalls facets and trail that we leave behind for people to uncover such discoveries. Nothing can be hidden forever, and the truth will always come out one way or another. Hence, if you've got nothing to hide, and a clean conscience, then you have nothing to worry about.

In contrary, when something positive from the past is relived in the present, tears of joy can come rushing through, excitement and exhilaration, and satisfaction can all be felt. These are the memories that we wanted to hold onto forever, the memories that we did not want to say goodbye to, and the memories that we would trade anything for. In such a dog eat dog society, it is these memories which provide hope for people. They give people the strength to live day to day. But as the theme of this blog is the past, they are only memories, and one must move forward with their lives. They cannot be living in memories, or living in fear of them either. In saying that, it is often easier said than done, to let go of the past and live for the future. To do so, we must appreciate everything around us, and the people who love and care for us.

So how do we let go and just forget about it all? It isn't easy, and there is no definite answer. Variations exist for different people, but today, when I was confronted with the past, and all aspects which lead to certain, I felt nothing. Nothing as in a weight had been lifted. And in all honesty, it was quite hilarious.

Interrelationships amongst people often become very complicated and twisted when you add a whole bunch of people and a whole bunch of emotion. From friends, to strangers,t o best of friends, to couples and so on. The change in dynamics is quite amusing to look back on in retrospect. Anyhow, the feeling of nothing. That emptiness and lack of emotion is one of the many indicators of letting go. No longer do you hold onto the resentment of the past. No longer are you enraged at the lack of appreciation. No longer are you disappointed of standards falling short. Because you know, it is expected of such people. Feeling nothing is actually quite reassuring in a way as no longer do you feel an attachment. Whilst it is a shame, detaching yourself from the past, and the things that once consumed, is one of the most uplifting things to happen.

So whilst the past can play influential roles in one's future, they are things that have already happened. Things that we cannot control. When something does come up, and we are confronted with such issues, tackle them head of, forget about them, and move on. Cherish the ones you love, and soldier through the darker ones. Better yet, don't do anything that you would regret.

I will break these chains that bind me,
Happiness will find me,
Leave the past behind me,
Today my life begins.

caring.

Caring for the ones you love. Caring for those around you. Caring for your friends. We all care about someone, but to what extent should we care to?

When you care and ask questions, some say you're annoying. When you care and try to be there, some say you're fake. When you care and nothing happens, it feels like you're not appreciated. So why is it, at times, not only does caring get you nowhere, but you also get hurt in the process.

So how do we care? To the ones we love, we care by asking questions, by talking to them, by being there, by listening, by being the shoulder to cry on, and just by doing what we can to see them smile and be happy. It really isn't that hard to care for someone. What is hard, is caring for someone, without them acknowledging it. Why can't people be more appreciative.

We don't ask many questions to be annoying. We just want to see how your day is. We don't constantly talk to you to be in your face. We just want someone close to share stories with. We don't. And at times, we don't ignore you because we don't care. We just want to give you space.

Caring is something that is unconditional. There is not equivalent exchange for it. We care, because we want to, because we love them. It is often frustrating when people expect there to be a hidden agenda when we care. It is just as frustrating when they think that we expect something in return. There isn't anything in return people expect from the ones they care about, there is no expectation to.

end of an era.

so i know that i said i'd be on temporary hiatus until after exams, but here's one i wanted to blog about.

so my high school days are finally over. now there's only exams left, and then this chapter of my life will be well and truly done.

so six years is quite a long time, but as we look back to reflect upon it, words just cannot explain how fast time has flown by, and words just simply cannot explain the roller coaster of emotions felt as these final days came to a close.

over six years, friendships have been made, friendships have been broken. many successes have been achieved, whilst many failures have also come and gone. six years is a long time and many things have happened. but what is sad now is some of your friends, you will most likely never keep in touch with again. as each individuals life and pathway diverges from one another, there really isn't an opportunity for that close bond and relationship ever again. whilst technology does allow us to keep in touch, it just isn't the same. driving past the school today was also pretty sad. whilst exams are still happening there, the fact that there are no more classes just really hits you and the fact that it is all actually over.

so whilst i can talk a lot more about what actually happened i cbs.

although many people at times wish they could go back and experience it all over again, whilst also wishing for it to be over already etc. i don't. it is nice to go back and relive it all, and it is a pain to go through the stress and all of that. i wouldn't want to go through it all again, just because of the fact that this is just one chapter of the life i have ahead of me. i do appreciate it and love all the people and experiences i've had. but it just wouldn't be as unique and special if i were to experience it again. it's over now, and just holding onto such memories and people suffices.

hiatus.

on temporary hiatus til the flip side of exams or until procrastination is at its best.

tm.

死性不改。

I tried to laugh it off but I made things worse.
You were the first to give, I was the first to ask.
Now I'm in second place, to get a second chance.

-Faber Drive - "Second Chance"

When people stuff up, second chances are often given. There's forgiveness, and the benefit of the doubt. A second chance to set things straight, a second chance to right the wrongs, and a second chance to not make the same mistake again. But what happens when forgiveness becomes repetitive? What happens, when a second chance is needed over and over again? How many chances are people willing to give others?

You'd think that after a second chance, many people would know not to make the same mistake. A second chance to start over new, to wipe the slate clean. But for some, they never learn. They repeat the same mistake time and time. Just like the saying 死性不该 these people can never change. We give them the benefit of the doubt, but at the end of the day, it is only you who will be hurt again. Why can't these people actually appreciate the second chances people give?

It's often hard to find it in yourself to forgive someone. It can be easy, and hard at the same time. The attempt to let go of the past, and restore all faith and trust into the person after they have done something to you to take that trust away. To forgive someone is hard, but to forgive and forget, is sometimes just impossible, just too much to ask for. What would hurt even more is when someone begins to abuse that trust. Seeing someone abuse such forgiveness can be disappointing - it hurts. At times giving someone the benefit of the doubt is the downfall which leads to sadness, to anger, to disappointment, to the point in which you feel like you've lost what's most important.

Second chances are generous offers which should be appreciated. So when second chances are needed time and time again i.e. a third chance, a fourth chance, is there really any point to it? When it gets to that stage, can you really teach a dog new tricks? No. If more than one second chance is needed, then you yourself would need to actually ponder and think about why you keep letting such things happen too.

Appreciate second chances. Many of us often wish we can turn back time; to go back into the past and to change it. As this is impossible, a second chance is as good as it gets.

beliefs.

So I was listening to a song the other day, a song which I used to love listening to, and these few lines of the song always hit me really hard.

but beliefs do what they're made to do,
dividing those of different views.
but i believe love is strong enough,
to cross the great divide.

there's no one here to blame,
just an unfamiliar game.
it's not important that we see things eye to eye.

-Levi Kreis "We're Okay"

Because there are so many different religions in the world, this diversity is always going to intertwine amongst people on a day to day basis. Different views, different beliefs, are often the cause of conflict. So can people with such differences in their lives really function and work together? Can they actually become close?

There have been many instances where I've seen people place faith, or their values before very close friends, and even loved ones. Whilst there is some tolerance, and patience towards such instances, how long and how much can a person actually bear to be with someone who cannot see that sometimes there are other things that are important around them that they should actually be aware of.

Different views often result to quarreling, arguments and conflict based on the mere fact that neither party can agree. Disagreement based on the fact that the lives they lead are completely driven by different things. So can people from two different worlds actually be together? Can they actually share such close friendships, when such disagreements arise? Often it takes quite open minded and accepting people for such things to work. Patience is needed, and some sacrifices are often needed to be made.

Whilst there are many people who do share different views, different values, and different beliefs in this world, if people accept and acknowledge such things, and learn to listen, a lot can be met halfway. But what about the narrow-minded people who are completely driven by the one thing they believe in and won't see things any other way? How can they actually become close to someone who does not share the same views? We can hope that the other person is patient and accepting of such things, or sometimes, people should let go, and let things fall into place. You cannot force people to believe in something they don't believe in, but you can be understanding about it, and love them for who they are.

half-time.

so it's halfway through the holidays.

1. my plan for the amount of work i do has failed
2. i've done very little work

whilst i've attempted to, little work has been accomplished.

exams are drawer ever so closer and still it hasn't really hit me yet.

UMAT results came, and i must say, i was not impressed.

have been visiting people and doing things, the social life, but this has meant studies have been neglected as per usual. XD

addiction.

Addiction - being abnormally tolerant to and dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming (especially alcohol or narcotic drugs)

Some people have them. Good addictions. Bad addictions. Chocoholics, workaholics and people who are addicted to drugs. Or maybe, you're just addicted to the one song, the one person, the one thing in your life that can give you that fixation, the relief, that hit to take away the stress, the pain, the cravings, and the anxiety. Most drug addicts take drugs to give themselves that sensation; the sensation of a hit after a long craving, but is craving something, and is the sensation itself really bad? Or is it just the fact that the remedy is something bad?

This week has been a long and stressful week - nothing too serious, and I'm glad it's over. I guess during the week, I too was craving for more time, craving for it to be all over, and craving for the workload to go away, which in the end, it has, and I've never felt better. This was originally going to be a more negative blog about addiction, but because of my mood, there's a positive spin on it too now.

We're all addicted to something. And addiction itself isn't actually that bad. It's what you're addicted to that determines whether it is bad or not. Of course, over fixating on the one thing all the time is bad, but some fixation can actually be good for you. Fixating on the one thing, allows you to concentrate on it. It allows you to focus on it, to achieve it. But sometimes this can get out of hand, and people can get too carried away.

Certain people often crave, or are addicted to other people. They can't stop thinking about them. Thinking about what they are doing, thinking about what they like, thinking about the times together. Whilst some people may find it perfectly normal to place so much emphasis onto the one person, the one remedy, the one hit in their life right now, to the other person, it may just seem plain weird. You cannot let one person consume your whole life, just because you may like them.

Addictions need to be controlled. They cannot get out of hand or you'll lose yourself in the process. People who have been addicted to certain things, may have let go due to such consumptions and tolls they have taken to their lives. We all need a boost at times, we just have to find the right thing, and the right dosage.

holidays.

yay it's the holidays! finally!

had my last sac ever today, and it felt good. ended the week pretty happy with most my sacs, besides today's one, but it's a good feeling to have all of them done! even got chocolate for it. ^^ and then chilled deep at bh.

this week has been long and hard, but for some reason, it's been one of the happiest ones i've had. and now the relief holidays now. nothing planned, but study...well attempting to.

to think it's all coming to an end really soon.

struggle.

Do we always have to end up on top? Is winning everything? In some cases yes, but in others, no.

In society, people are constantly competing against one another, fighting over rivalries, showing off who is better, and hoping that they are the best, that they stand out. Whilst you see some people in such light upon a pedestal, there are those that are often forgotten. Those that worked hard. Those that struggled. Those that could not make the distance.

Many people who put in the effort, may not always produce the results they want. Whilst you see some people with the natural talent, for those lacking it, much time is spent on practice behind closed doors in the hope to achieve what they actually want. It is often apparent to see who is struggling. We've all been there before. Seeing everyone surpass you when you feel you're the one that should be leading the pack. In a way, it is similar to the "kicking you when you're down" analogy. You've put in the effort but you don't see the result. The setback has pushed you down to the ground. As you see everyone walk pass you feel a sense of disappointment, a sense of uselessness, and a sense of failure. The struggle to get back up is hard, and as you raise your hand, hoping someone realises and helps you back up, you realise the only way to get back up is to rely on yourself, to bounce back stronger.

It is the struggle before the success that is the achievement. People who struggle, often find it hard to confide in people. They are too embarrassed to ask for help, or in some cases, are too stubborn to. And it is because of this, that many underachievers, underdogs, and those that get underestimated, work harder by themselves, ignore all help, just to prove a point.

But what about those who struggle and never achieve what they deserve? What about those who struggle, and have voices that are never heard? Sometimes they are noticed, but often just left alone. Most people often disregard, pretend not to see, and do not offer help. They decide to save themselves the hassle. But does it really hurt to help those that struggle? Just something small, something simple, it suffices. A simple word of encouragement, a simple 'are you okay' can make all the difference.

chaos.

let the week of chaos begin.
whilst it may seem long and painful, i'm sure that by the end of it, i will feel that it has whirlwinded through.

today was the start of it.

monday - uni bio prac, EL sac, spesh test
wednesday - spesh sac (i haven't done the chapter work for it)
thursday - uni bio prac (write up due the next week) and chem sac
friday - hhd sac @.@

then it's the holidays...holiday...yes....if only.

sanctuary.

Just like the glorious northern star you guided me
Shining a light of pure tranquility
To a secret place where no-one else could go
Free to reveal the things I never show
Somewhere to love somewhere to breathe
Somewhere to call my sanctuary

A sanctuary can be define as the following: a place where sacred objects are kept, a refuge - shelter from danger or hardship, or an area around the altar of a church. To most people, only the first two definitions would have something of meaning to them. Many of us find sanctuaries within people, within places, within objects, and within memories. They are the things that make reality that much easier to live in. They are the things that we turn to when there doesn't seem to be much hope. They are the things that we find comfort in. And they are the things that we fight for.

But does a sanctuary exist for everyone? Does everyone have the same luxury of having someone to turn to, having comfort food, being able to confide in someone, or just have something warm to hold on to when everything else seems to be going wrong.

For those fortunate enough, many of our sanctuaries exist in the most obscure places - amongst food, friends, family, photos, memories, or places. Comfort food is just a ridiculous example of this. But on a more serious note, many of us have friends we all trust, all confide in, who are always there and make you feel like everything is actually is worth it. They are the people who you would actually go out of your way for. Whilst at times there may be tension between you and them, it is quite often just an overnight thing. But in times of hardship and need, and when you need them most, you can always count on them. Some friends, whilst they may not be as accountable, can often give you the warmth you need, without them consciously knowing it. They make you feel comfortable when you're around them, they make you smile, and they make everything else at the time insignificant.

Family is also one of the biggest supports an individual can come across. Whilst their constant care and concern they have for you may come across as frustrating at times, without them, what differentiates our family from others. The love they have for us is beyond what anyone else can ever give. Appreciate those around you, appreciate the home they provide, the warm and safe place that you know you can always go home to with welcoming arms and a lovely meal. Family members to age and do become older, and they eventually leave us, so appreciate the ones around you, and support what they do like they would to you.

Photos, memories, and places. They all remind us of a time that we find significant, something of importance, but how do they become part of ones sanctuary? We often find ourselves beaten down by the ruthlessness reality brings to us. And we often find it a lot harder to get back up, when we're already on the ground. It is these memories that we hold on to, that give us hope, that give us something to believe in, and that give us an escape from the harsh reality into a place where we once found comfort, safety and warmth by reliving such memories.

So what does your sanctuary provide you? Besides the whole idea of safety, warmth, protection and so on? I find it to be a place where you can forget all your troubles. A place where it is quite easy for you to smile. A care-free place, without worry. Somewhere for you to delve deep into and just lose yourself, whilst maintaining that sense of security.

what if..

My head's full of thoughts

Thoughts of you
And I'm distracted so easy
Thinking what to do
So unsure, so unfamiliar
Am I wrong to think that something could happen

Many of us often spend a lot of time thinking, too much time thinking. Whether it'd be thinking about a person, or an issue, a lot of us often lie wide awake at night, thinking about all the possibilities, thinking about all the "what ifs", and thinking about the decisions and choices we have made that have lead to such a result.

It's often hard to deal with reality, and the hurdles that it makes you jump over. This often leads to thinking, something which many may lack, when making such decisions in the first place. You wonder what would have happened if things were different. You wonder what would have happened if you never said those words. You wonder what would have happened if you actually put that extra bit of effort in. Such minuscule things, causing such big ripples. But what can we actually do about all of this?

What difference can we actually make when thinking about such things. Can we really change what has happened? Or do we think about such things, because they are imperfect? Because they are something we regret, something we want to take back, something that we could have changed, something we wished was better. Whilst all these thoughts may fill your head it is often hard to actually rid yourself of them. The processes made, and all the possibilities are thought upon one after another, and at times, just like a runaway train, it cannot be stopped. You think to yourself, what if?

What if I lead the way
What if I make mistakes (will you be there?)
What if I change the world
What if I take the blame (will you be there?)

So what if this happened? And what if that happened? What if this didn't happen? Would they have actually changed what has happened? All these thoughts are often our regrets and us thinking about the things that we have done, the things that we haven't done, the things that were left unsaid and the things that were said and taken too far and how'd they might have changed what has happened. Whether it be the cause of a fight, the loss of a loved one, or just a simple mistake.

Many of us often have these regrets and mistakes made to our lives, which we wish we could untangle and undo. For some, the damage may be irreversible, and the only peace of mind, which in turn, may be what hurts the most, may be the impossible idea of things just getting better, returning to normal. For others, all these what ifs may actually cause the individual to reflect, think and change. They learn from it, and attempt to fix things. For these people, the second chances they are offered are rare and something that should be held on to.

So why can't it be as easy as wishing for it to all go away, and for things just to be the way they were, the way we wanted them to be, perfect - reliving that moment in time when everything was at its highest and peaking. Why do we all have to face reality, and live with such decisions that were made, whilst telling ourselves, and immersing ourselves in thoughts of other various possible outcomes which may have resulted differently. In the end, we just all wish for that second chance, that chance to change what has been done, to right such wrongs and regrets we live with.

All these thoughts about someone, something can consume one if not controlled. All the what ifs, and all the possibilities that we think about, are in the hope that things could be better. At times, they are our excuses, whilst at times they are the reality in which we would all like to live in. Most of the time however, what has occurred may actually be the best result, with minimized repercussions, and which changes who we are for the better.

milestones & the things that count.

so it's my 50th blog. it's not that special, but it is the spark that has lit the fire, which is the theme of this post - milestones and the little things.

milestones are significant events in our lives, whilst the little things in life, are those that aren't as significant, but can also influence your mood, for better or worse. each milestone, each insignificant event varies for all individuals. some of these are shared with others, whilst some, are kept private, to ourselves, and close to our heart. some of these, can be the light that shines on your grimmest day, whilst some, can be the slightest disappointment that ruins a perfect day. whilst milestones are seen to be significant, and those little things that count do not, both of these define, shape and influence the way we feel, what we do, and how we grow. they are both just as important.

whilst the little things may seem insignificant to others, to an individual, they may mean the world. just a simple text can brighten ones day. just an essence of acknowledgment, a simple thank-you can make a day. sometimes remembering the little things, and making them count can make a difference. one little thing may seem tiny, somewhat meaningless and minuscule, but add a lot of them together, and they can stand for something much bigger, something of much more importance.

milestones are significant events in our past - the good and the bad. anniversaries of such events, or even mere reminders of them can often trigger a roller-coaster of emotions; joy, grief, anger, frustration, happiness, regret etc. appreciate the good ones, and learn from the bad ones. if such memories can be shared with others, than appreciate them even more. hang on to them, as you never know what will happen in the future. some milestones may be celebrated with others one day, but the next, it can be one that makes you reminisce, regret, and ask what has happened. the ones that can be shared with people, can often be taken away as people walk in and out of your life.

each moment in your life, whether you know it or not, changes who you are. each one has its defining story, their own little tale. some are like fairytales with happy endings, some may be epic and end dismally, some may be fables and have a moral to it, and some may just be too plain and long to read. and just like any book, those the stories that can be enjoyed are often retold over and over again. even those that are sad, and end badly, if written well, and even if it does hurt, are often retold, whereas those that make no sense, lack any substance, and those that you just do not have the time or concern for, can become meaningless, and may as well just be a book with blank pages, a blank canvas, so that they can be rewritten.

precious commodities.

one of the most precious and valuable commodities going around these days is time.

every second was a precious moment, know i'm thinking about the path i've chosen..

we are all short of it. we all want more of it. and some may wish to control it.

as the year draws to its end, never before have i seen such a commodity being so valuable - a commodity which seems to be wasted a lot. an hourglass, i think, would be a good analogy to use. as time runs out, grains of sand fall to the bottom of the hour glass. each grain of sand may seem insignificant on its own, just like the seconds and hours we have in a day, but when put together, they prove to be something of worth. also, each grain of sand can be symbolic of what you decide to do with it; whether you use it productively, invest successfully, or whether you disregard it due to its insignificance.

holidays, exams and everything is coming to an end. i wish there was more time at hand. more sand in the hour glass. i don't want that last grain of sand to drop, as it'll all be over by then.

some people often wish they could also turn back time, to do things differently, to right wrongs, and turn back the regrets they make. some use time as an excuse, as if they have plenty to spare. whether some people have the patience for such time is a different story. some people spend their whole lives just waiting, wasting time, watching each grain of sand drop in the hope they by the time the hourglass finishes, something of hope occurs as it is turned over once again.

whilst time can be seen as a valuable commodity, it can too, be something of negative value. time and the absence of seems to be what tears people apart, whilst time and the presence of, can also bring people together. some people say give it time, and it seems that others may just have been giving them time since the beginning and is just waiting for it to become all better again. but does giving something time really mean to completely ignore it and disregard it completely?

seconds, hours so many days, you know what you want, but how long can you wait, every moment lasts forever, when you feel you've lost your way.

evolving tunes.

it's funny how songs can mean one thing to you one day, and the next, it gives you a whole new meaning to it - just like people.

lyrics you hear may often relate to yourself, your current mood, your current point in life. as time goes on, whilst these lyrics remain the same, there is a difference sense to it. the meaning that is conveyed. whether the words synonymously remind you of someone else, or represent something new that is similar and replaced what was there before, meanings change constantly; both connotations and denotations. sometimes, these words just fade; and everything it stood for just dissipates.

the melody you hear may be music to your ears one day, but a complete racket the next. the tempo, pitch and rhythm all add to the mood - more poppy fast catchy tunes for moments of happiness, with slower more stripped back ballads to represent something sad.

most people constantly update their playlists and by doing so, old songs, what they represent and just the presence of them eventually fade out and disappear. recently i've been listening to more old school songs on my ipod. old songs, which i found sent quite a significant message to myself, old songs which represented certain people and particular memories - whether good or bad. as i listen to them, the meaning of each song has evolved. whilst i try to bring myself to the frame of mind of where they used to be, for some, it's simply too hard. with some, there is regret, with others, it's free, with some, there's a sense of yearning.

subtle&smooth.

don't you just love how direct and blunt some people are? or how others like to subtly ask you or tell you things?

so today, someone subtly asked me for a lift. i didn't mind. i was more than happy to drive them home as i consider them a good friend. whilst driving another one home from tutor today, we were talking about another kid scabbing lifts now that i can drive. we both laughed. the answer to if he did, would be no. some people don't understand what is asking too much, or just too troublesome.
1 it's not on the way
2 i find you annoying
3 your a scab

sometimes there are limits as to what you can ask from certain people. i guess i can relate this back to my english studies and social distances. LOL but anyone with common sense would know, what is appropriate and inappropriate.

i love how people subtly ask things. i love how they try and transition from one topic to another smoothly without any awkwardness just so they can get to their point. it's quite entertaining to watch those people dig a hole for themselves.

update.

so after pretty much zero sleep two nights ago, last night i got some pretty decent sleep.

another stampeded of sacs is over. so can finally take a breather. cept i have an english one due next week....which i haven't started.

pretty chill for uni bio atm now too, since just finished some pracs and assignments and midsemester test! woohoo...go ms danks who is only meant to supervise! *hands in blank questions to her...."i'd recommend writing this and this and this down." =D WINN!

so got my Ps...and have driven around lots already. bahahahhahaha almost half a tank of petrol gone?...which i don't needa pay for =D chauffeuring people around already...and doing very dodgy things...nearly death by bubblecup today. bahahahha

today was pretty chill i guess...whilst the whole school got to sleep in, our class voted to have class in the morning instead. o wells. double spesh IA disappeard, then i had the bio exam and was late to chem...meh. drove people home, went to bh and then tutor. biggest lols@neap these days. PLS BOIS! went to play some pool n chill deep with jason then drove him home..his mother rang..appar doesn't trust P platers? GGG

now to research and study the city hard for tmr =D legs are going to die! but should be fun. then to takes the grandma out to dinner since i can drive n dad is bailing us again ==;

cbs derrick work. cbs skl hwk. LOL

misc.

recently, someone said to me, "ian, i feel like i've gotten to know you a lot better this year!" - the whole group of us laughed when he said it, but in doing so, i guess he had a point. i guess we often get to know others a lot better in short instances, but whether or not the friendship has the endurance in varying situations, is a different story.

so i read this on one of my friend's blog lately:

I always believe in this rule, win some lose some give some take some. Except it gets to you when all you do is lose. However, I think you learn more when you lose so maybe I have learnt enough for now =]

i guess everyone wants to get what they want, to put in the efforts and reap the rewards. but whilst we do spend time sowing the seeds and watering the plants, when it's time for harvest, we may not always expect the yields of crops that we are looking for.

reading the quote, i guess i saw different sides of people i didn't expect to see. whilst some people keep a brave face in front of others, the other side of their vulnerability is often something that is rare to be seen. and it is when we actually see glimpses of this facade that we begin to understand where a person may come from, that we delve deeper in with curiosity.

p is for passed.

so today i PASSED my Ps.

i was actually quite worried as i screwd uP a lot of the things; like the Parking, and i missed a turn. GG

o wells...i've Passed now and that's what matters. i drove to uni bio where we did a Prac. man do i hate Peak hour traffic.

now to come home n study for my midsemester exam for bio tomorrow. im so tired too...did not get any sleeP at all last night. nerves i guess, and lots on my mind.

things change and time itself also Passes. some things can't be change, and at times, whilst we would like to give it time, time is the only thing that has kept it going.

so tired...qqqq need sleeP. i can drive again tmr! yays...gonna get sick of it soon, maybe.

can't belive...we have class Period one tomorrow when we have a late start -0-

adequacy.

what is adequate? what is appropriate? and what is taking it too far?

a lot of problems between people are often raised amongst people due to the being a lack of something. a lack of respect. a lack of care. a lack of love. a lack of trust.

what may be substantial to one person, may be inadequate to another. to some, we often offer the best, put everything out there on the table, with nothing held back and everything to lose. on the other hand, there are those we have our reservations for - the slight doubt and uncertainty that arises from putting everything on the line, knowing that you yourself will get hurt. so why the lack of blahblahblah? why is it hard to let go, to jump into freefall and just appreciate what is in front of you.

whilst the lack of blahblahblah may often cause ripples between people, and at worse, completely push two people away, it often makes certain people realise what has been right in front of them - i know, how cliche. in saying that, to those that are pushed to the limits and beyond the point of return, all they are able to do is either mope around at their loss, hurt deep inside but at the same time be happy for the times they've had together, be happy that the other is happy from a distance, or just let go and forget everything they had ever existed.

sometimes inadequacy is better than nothing. most people would rather to have something than nothing right? but it gets to a point where that something may begin to feel forceful. letting go may be hard and hurtful, but holding on a pretending aches even more in the long run.

vtac.

vtac application done!
except i keep wanting to change the order of my preferences >.<
why must it be so hard to decide on a future?

hopefully i obviously get into my first preference - medicine.
ambition - pediatrician@royal children's hospital ^^

cbs scholarship apps now, maybe later. XD

life and games.

lies. manipulation. deception. betrayal and the whole lot. when it comes to life, it is these things that come to trouble us.

most of us take life seriously. for those who take the piss out of things, whilst it may seem like a game to you, it's other people's lives you are messing with.

people often do things for their own benefit. when it comes to a dog eat dog world, everyone fends for themselves. but to what degree of it does it allow you to start messing with other people's lives? messing with people's minds and manipulation may be entertaining for some to watch, that is, to watch another person crash and burn. you may laugh at the catastrophe that is has caused, but for those affected, it's their life you just ruined, and it's now their hell.

certain people may say one thing to one person, and something else to another. they try and put their own spin on things, they try to gain the numbers when it counts. they do all this, for the attention, for the satisfaction, and it shows they have no purpose in life at the moment pretty much.

people dog one another and rat others out.

trust.

trust is something that is hard to gain, but very easy to lose.
whilst it is the one thing that many people value the most, it is also something that many take advantage of.

how do you trust someone? at what costs do you go to gain their trust? and at what stakes are you going to put that trust on the line?

just like an investment, the trust you invest could drop rapidly like shares in a stock market, whilst some may just throw it away themselves.

sometimes all it takes is a little bit a trust. just that extra little bit of faith.

whilst sometimes, one truth can be mixed in with a large web of lies. one of which the truth cannot be found.

fear.

fear. fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat. it is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.

pain, threat and danger all stimulate us to fear.

pain. physical pain. emotional pain. it can all be agonising. mourning the loss of someone. recovering from injury. or being bullied can increase that fear that is built up within you.

threat. the threat of a reduced lifespan. the threat of being alone. the threat of realizing what you onced believed in was all a lie can trigger fear and cause many irrational responses.

danger. when in danger, fight or flight kicks in. we fear for our lives. we fear for our safety. and we fear for our loved ones.

there are many people within society who live in fear. who cannot or do not want to speak up. some live with this fear because they do not have a choice. a cancer patient will always live in fear during the remission period for an onset and relapse may occur at any moment. parents have an instinct to fear for the safety of their children.

there are also those who fear for the smaller things. the fear of being alone. the fear of losing everything. the fear that they aren’t good enough. it is often very hard to find that confidence within yourself to stand up and be strong. it is at times to tackle issues head on. and at times, it may be too dim to find the assertiveness you need in order to succeed,

because of you.

ne-yo: because of you

we can get worked up so much over one person. we can get over fixated.
after all of the efforts and times that i tried, maybe i was in way too deep

because of you, some people are willing to give up their lives, to fall head over heels, just for some tender, love and care.

it’s funny how one person can impacts another’s life with such significance. their mere existence can sometimes be the drug that sends an addict on a high. when controlled, this is good, but sometimes it can get out of hand.

we’re all willing to do certain things for particular people in our lives. some live for them, some breathe for them. there are those that complain that they lack anyone close. i find at times, these people seem to be oblivious to what is right in front of them.

….and it’s all because of you

relocation.

new beginnings =)

fulcrum.

it's funny how life can change in an instant. one minute you may be on top of the world, the next, something drags you down so bad that you cannot get back up.

like a seesaw with a fulcrum in the middle, life is balanced when nothing drastic or huge is put on it. put something on either of the sides and the balance shifts. in a way, one side of the seesaw could be seen as good news, joy, your sanctuary. in contrast, the other side would be the opposite, your nightmare, your hell, just somewhere you would want to escape out of.

in life many things hit you hard, and sometimes just like a seesaw with a toddler and a fat kid on either side, the balance cannot shift, no matter how hard you try. whilst you may be contempt with yourself if you were on the side that is your sanctuary and wouldn't mind just sitting there with things on your side, if you were on the other side, and if you were the fatty, no matter how hard you try to kick up or push, whilst you may elevate up, you will always end up coming back down to the ground, not levelled on balanced with the other side, but back down, deep into the ground.

you can't control what happens in your life. just like a seesaw in a park cannot control who sits on it, and sits on what side respectively. you can only hope for the best, and expect the worst. whilst most people go on about three simple words making their day, even the smallest of words can crush all hope you have left in the world, all the optimism you have and all the beliefs you once stood strong for. whilst some words people crave to hear, there are some, people fear and dread to hear as it may be sooooooo heavy it breaks the seesaw x]

secrets.

secrets. we all have them. some big ones. some not so big ones.

but why exactly are they secret? is it actually because you don't want anyone to know, or the fact that you don't have to courage to express it.

people keep secrets, as it is something for themselves, and maybe the people they really trust to share with. a lot of the times, they are kept locked away, because of the consequences and repercussions that would follow. some may be acts of selfishness, whilst others may be somewhat noble. whilst most people say that sharing helps you unload and take the insurmountable stress and pressure off you, there are times where it can do more damage than good.

at times, you may as well shut up about certain things, and keep them to yourself, as being open about it would only cause more people to be upset, annoyed, frustrated etc. may as well have one person suffering as opposed to a whole bunch. another reason to learn when to shut up about these things is when someone does tell you somethings, and it becomes front page news, when they've personally confided in you. secrets are called secrets for a reason.

come and gone.

it's funny how fast people can walk in and out of your life. it's funny how fast time changes things. and it's funny how some people cannot take the hint with things or are just too oversensitive about things.

long weekend = zero work.

friday night = jailbreak ipod and then up all night playing games and thinking. thinking about change and certain people. thinking about how hard it is to let go.

saturday = city. i went to watch step up 3D. went to states in the morning. sometimes it's easier to make the effort to avoid things, fake a smile and pretend everything is okay. xD we played pool, had lunch, movie and then more time wasted on ipod. LOL dynamics between people do become interesting, and it gets to a point at times where it's like '. . . .'



sunday = khalil&fiona. morning i had derrick ha. then arvo went to city for more pool...again. dinnered and then went to khalil fong concert. one song sung by fiona really hit me. her mindset when writing the song i felt reflected how i feel at times. and she sung it dearly, which i enjoyed.

monday = no school - josh's bday. karaoke. dinner. (Y) enough said.

so anyhow. change. it happens all the time. and people around you change. and the feelings you have for people change too. anger, hate frustration, joy, comfort, safety, warmth etc. and whether or not you want it to be, half the time these feelings aren't mutual. you hate someone, they don't get the hint. you want someone there, they don't get the hint. etc LOL this probs makes no sense, but the things i'm trying to get out i feel, are summed up by the song above, change by miwa, and a change is coming by steph mcintosh.

also...who's ever dreamt of the dead? i seem to always dream of my grandpa this time of year. around his bday. without consciously thinking about it either. he was really close with ivan, and i enjoyed his company when he was around. time flies when thinking about it. and i guess it sometimes gets really upsetting when thinking about such memories, what has happened, what could have happened, and all the things and possibilities of different scenarios just playing around in your head. you get used to someone, and then realise they're not there for you anymore. not there to share your jokes. not there to spoil you. and just not there in general. i was never close to grandparents on my mum's side, but i am really close with the ones on my dad's side. the dream i had really showed reflected i guess the absence that is there now. something that won't be there anymore. something that cannot be replaced. it's weird dreaming of such dreams, but at the same time, they just make you think about the people you have in your life.

progress.

how is it at times we can feel we have made so much progress. improved on so much, that nothing can set us back, whilst at times we can feel that no progress is made at all - that it isn't really worth the efforts, and just feel like giving up.

sometimes i just feel one day you can be on top of the world and feel like you've accomplished so much, and then the next day, it's all taken away + more. i feel as though in certain situations, progress is made, but then it is backtracked. i go two steps forward and then three steps back.

whilst going forward i feel as though everything is worth it, but then when it does go downhill, it's hard not to feel like 'what's the point' or 'why should i bother'.

friends that cost.

so to carry on from a previous blog about the quotes i found:

But nowadays, when love can be exchanged for benefits, friendship can buy power.
Is it really that naive and silly to pursue true love and true friendship?

this isn't a post about finding true friendship. it's more about the cost of a friendship. does friendship actually cost/come at a cost. can it really be assigned a monetary value, a dollar sign?

can different friendships come at different prices?

i guess i too have at times considered different people to be worth different amounts when buying stuff, and have also considered the amount of money i've spent on certain people and whether all that money is a waste.

sometimes my dad even says, the money he spends on me, is like an investment. and he is waiting for high returns from me. so do we all put in certain amounts only because we hope to gain a certain return? or do we put in what we see fit as to not come at a loss here?

should friendships really be judged by cost? right now, some people have amazed me by their actions and words yet again.

midyears + vtac.

midyears:
surprised
shocked
idk what to say x]
may as well stick with the idc rq attitude
has workd well for me so far . . .

vtac:
doing my head it
the options
the preferences
bahhhhhh

and this all ends so soon!

a year ago today.

time. special occasions. stepping stones. and days that we just cannot forget.

we all have them, and each is unique to an individual. something precious and important to one person can be absolutely meaningless and pointless to another. but that's what makes them special - the value and significance it holds to ourselves regardless of what others think. something that only you, and maybe a special few, can relate to. something that nobody else will understand. something for you to appreciate and cherish yourself.

whilst there are some milestones which are generally shared with everyone such as birthdays and anniversaries, there are others that people can relate to on a more personal level such as the day someone was diagnosed with cancer, the day someone walked out from your life, the day you waste a second chance, and the day you met someone lifechanging - whether for better or worse.

Who would have thought when chance came calling that this would be my defining story
and who could have guessed on my life's journey I could find my way through this extraordinary day

these things change a person individually - psychologically, emotionally, and sometimes physically. a person's mood, personality and state of mind. such significant events are often hard to forget, and as mentioned before, can be for better or for worse.

they may be the reason that even on the grimmest day that you are still smiling.

but at the same time they can also be the reason why you feel as if though you've hit rock bottom and cannot get back up.

whilst everybody has their 'defining stories' many become long forgotten over time. on the other hand some remain remembered, acknowledged, celebrated and just important - just like my annual dessert day now.

today was significant. and that person knows who they are and why it is. i guess a lot happens over a year. good and bad - it's a roller coaster, but things would be different, very different, otherwise if nothing did happened.

and i must say, today, was a day where i felt happy. happier than my birthday actually - as there were some disappointments then. or maybe it was just the fact that i decided to be happy for what was in front of me rather than what wasn't. but at the same time i was just happy.

...

part of a transcript i found online...pretty much sums up a dog eat dog world.

Some people say that a confidant is difficult to find. Some people also say that a lover is hard to come by.

But nowadays, when love can be exchanged for benefits, friendship can buy power.

Is it really that naive and silly to pursue true love and true friendship?

deluded.

we're all a tad deluded at times. overambitious. sometimes where so delved into something and are so fixated we ignore everything else around it. and sometimes we can be so convinced we're so right, that we don't see that we are clearly in the wrong, or just cannot admit it.

i had the UMAT yesterday. i don't really know how i went. but i'm not expecting an interview for medicine anymore? i know how people say don't give up and don't be negative, but i guess i'm just being a realist. with VTAC applications opening up next week, i really don't know what else i want to do. but more about that later.

last night i watched an MV of some guy being in an abusive relationship and yet he still isn't willing to walk out. it's actually a really good song and i like it. so here it is:



in the UMAT as well there was a passage about some guy who knows his wife is having affair but does nothing because he doesn't want her to leave. i lol'd@one of the answers: something along the lines of enthusiastic with homemaking. bahahahahha

anyhow, i guess we all like seeing the best in people. the people we care dearly about and aren't willing to let go. we hang on to everything good even though the bad is blindingly obvious. sometimes this fixation can get too out of hand, and the only person that suffers in the long run is yourself.

onto other delusional matters. some people are really egotistic. they see themselves as the be all and end all and don't really see anything else. when confronted about a certain matter in regards to their opinion on certain social standings, they clearly saw things differently to how everyone else perceived it. this was actually quite eyeopening - to me at least. some people find themselves being more superior, but are they really? i just found it amusing considering this person seems to be quite the opposite. and to say something about a person who stands by you when others don't...shows how oblivious we are to how others really feel at times. their true colors.

overambition. overestimation. something i seem to always stumble over. this time - future aspirations. after the UMAT i'm beginning to think that medicine was just a tad too ambitious. so now i'm reconsidering courses. but even though i'm reconsidering courses, i still seem to be choosing courses which are probably out of my league.

need to work MUCH harder! ggggggg

legality.

so i'm finally 18. yays!

although the coming week is full of sacs and the UMAT *omg im so screwd*, this weekend was one of the most unproductive ones due to my birthday.

so i celebrated my 18th with friends earlier during the holidays as most people would have been unavailable. but celebrations continued friday through to sunday. busybusybusy

friday night i was to go out to clubs and bars with juliana, xandie and david. i was meant to go from school, to tutor, to dinner to out. but plans fail. all because i forgot my wallet - no money, train ticket or most importantly, i.d. for the night. then missing buses and whatnot too.

anyhow..once i was in the city, met up with the asians for a really brief moment, then rushed to tutor - which then i left from early because he let us. chilled deep at mc with jason and julian and ate some food. then went to dinner and play pool with david and dq. met up with juliana and xandie and david and off to bars we went.

this, btw was after waiting yonks for our other friend who also just turned 18 to decide whether she was coming or not and kept making up excuses. just say no if you don't want to. anyhow...we were also worrying about the people not letting me in before 12 as i wasn't actually 18 yet. when consulting the others, they were just like act casually and walk in. no places checked my i.d. besides the long room because of their poshness. anyhow went to a couple of bars to drink...and i felt fine..didn't feel tipsy at all bahahahhaha 12 o'clock came and the bday texts started to roll in + toasts from the 3 for a happy birthday....add a couple of hours and i was home a bit before 2.

on the sat. met up with my wife and her sister at box hill to scab free boost and gloria jeans. then off to the city...lol at the conversations on the train. then met up with davin and we went to photoworld. rushed to mc to buy movie tickets and off to lunch at korean bbq. reg+octopus=luls 2pm came...not the band..but how i wish i could meet nichkhun LOL...anyhow 2pm came and we went to see inception, all stocked up on coke and popcorn. twas confusing but good. i like it =)

davin then trained home whilst the rest of us went back to mine for mahjong. bryce was meant to come but he didn't last minute. aftwds jess and reg left, we went to the city for buffet dinner with the fam. i was so full and fat after eating so much it was close to painful. LOL came home to play mahjong knowing i would be screwed for tutor tmr and the rest of the week but i really wasn't in the mood to care. disappointments made it =( and i guess its true that the ones you do care about the most can also cause u to be =( the most.

last hbd wish i got was a phonecall which kept cutting off. *stupid blackrock. LOL and that was the end of the plans i had for my birthday...with sunday dedicated to cramming for the week. i think i actually am gonna regret this at the end of vce.

anyhow...today i went to tutor as per usual...bryce called whilst i was driving home so dad told him i'd call back when i was home. so i got home and called him in the car. asking him where we was he said something....there was some guy mowing the lawn so i couldn't make out everything he said but i heard bedroom, i assumed he was talking about his...then as i walked up to the door i was like not at church? *door opens...he's there. x] twas a pleasant surprise. along with part 2 and 3 of his pressies? nawwww and i can't wait for part 4 now =] anyhow..so we just chilled at home.

so there goes the sunday i planned to do all this work. all gone. XD

and that's the end of my birthday. and the celebrations that came with it.

overall it has been good...with a few let downs. but oh wells.

old age.

so what's in an age?
knowledge? patience? wisdom? consideration? maturity?
many of these attributes don't grow as such the older you get.

so i'm finally 18. it doesn't feel any different though. i was never really over the moon happy excited about it, not even on the actual day. i don't know why. maybe it was the fact that i slightly disappointed at time, or maybe it was the fact that i guess a birthday is just not that significant.

but seriously, being 18 is no different to being 17 besides the fact that you are now legal to drink and that you can BUY A GOLDFISH! bahahahahahaha

people, i believe don't grow with age, but with experiences. so in a way i guess it is age, but it isn't at the same time. i feel no difference to what i was feeling two days ago, but i guess people treat you differently now? some people often judge others due to their age. i believe that age isn't that a big a hurdle that people have to overcome, in fact, it is quite minuscule.

in my own time.

So much is happening to me.
So much that I can't even see.
So many words of wisdom that I am trying to be.
Catch me if I should fall.
And even more so while I'm standing tall.

In my own time I'll take a chance.
In my own time I'll find romance. In my own time.
After the clouds there'll be the rain.
After the sun there'll be the moon it doesn't matter.
'cause it'll be in my own time

there is so much happening to me right now.
so much that i can't actually control, handle and take in - whether i like it or not.
so much to do, so little time.
so much stress and pressure, so little acknowledgment and appreciation.
so much to expect, so little achieve.

I NEED MORE TIMEE!

but everything will come and take its place. even though it may seem zzz at times. *sighs
some people never change. and some you just wished they'd understand you for once.

t-24hrs10min =)

road rage.

patience is not a virtue! sometimes....certain people and things push the boundaries and step over the line. and other times...you wait forever and ever for something that never comes...and you ask yourself, what's the point in waiting? is it wishful thinking and not wanting to be disappointed further? or the fact that you don't want to risk losing it and missing out if you opt to wait no longer.

i hate buses! i hate public transport. LOL i waited over an hour for a bus today. i swear...my double free..turned into no free at all...i heard the bells for the period go whilst waiting for the bus. in the time i waited....five buses should have gone past.


NOT
A
SINGLE
BUS
DECIDED
TO
SHOW
UP!!

and i was raging oh so bad.

and another thing i hate...people running yellow-almost-red-lights. especially old people ==;

assert yourself.

many of us quite often find it hard to trust ourselves, trust our own instinct, and lack the self-confidence we have. although there is potential, quite often this is hindered by the fact that we doubt ourselves, doubt one another, and doubt any possibility there is to success.

i for one lack a lot of self-confidence, and most people would seem to agree. this is quite evident in tests and anything important for school eg. sacs and exams. i always tend to feel i do bad, however, my friends always seem to find it annoying how i end up doing well. i guess i too believe i do bad to begin with though. whilst doing well does give me the confidence....it quite often seems to be knocked back down. when i actually believe in myself i often do worse and disappoint as opposed to doubting myself and then surprising myself in the end. so why bother disappointing yourself when you can surprise yourself? i ask myself this all the time.

with the end of vce drawing near, i am again having a lot of doubts in myself. i am seriously doubting my chances of getting into medicine now due to the UMAT...shit scared about it and i'd be lucky enough to even get an interview. xD and with vtac applications opening soon 953257927052305701 decisions are going through my head. not to mention the numerous sacs coming up...and still my 18th just around the corner. *sighs

so i tell myself at times - BE ASSERTIVE! but how much faith can you actually put into yourself? a little motto my friends and i made up to survive unit 2 biology in yr9: dream, believe, achieve! that actually worked for us back then. now on the other hand, i always seem to doubt myself. no point expecting or dreaming of the impossible? no point expecting too much just to be disappointed? i try to be as confident as i can these days, as quite often my self-confidence is the cause of my downfall. but as confident as i can be, i try not to strive that much anymore and am realistic.

misc.

so who here is guilty of standing by and letting important things, significant things, or even just minuscule things pass by and not do anything about it?

im pretty sure the majority of us here have just stood by and done nothing. but is there really ever a time we should step in
? especially when interfering with other people's business. to you, you may seem to be caring, to others, it may seem like your just in their face plain rude and annoying. whilst at times you get told off or ridiculed for just standing there like a tree and let everything pass by, other times you also get hassled about meddling and interfering. so what exactly is the point? you don't do anything to mind your own business and to give them personal space, and you intervene or act upon because you actually care. either way, you don't get appreciated half the time.

just recently i've realised some people are constantly being shut down day after day. to others it may seem hilarious, whilst to the person copping it, it can seem like hell. i guess i'm not the type who is all self righteous and steps in and takes action. i personally am more the type who would be there for the person, comfort them, make sure they're okay and just be there for support.

however, sometimes this care and support isn't enough. some people may just say you're all talk and no action as you don't do anything to act upon it, but at times little do these people realise the amount of effort, time and care you actually put into something. and all you get in return is....silence.

to some, silence may mean everything. to others it may mean the absence of something. whilst some people see person-x and person-y as two identical versions of another, x likes acknowledgment, whilst y doesn't like to make a fuss. x likes to talk, whilst y likes silence. when confronted about awkward silences y goes 'i like being with you because we don't have to say anything'. is that supposed to mean something nice? is it in his mind that just company and time together is enough, without communicating how the other feels?

silence and absence does make the heart grow fonder. you basically want what you can't have. but it gets to a point where you have waited long enough that it is time to think for yourself. at the same time, some silences should just be broken. simple acknowledgments, small acts of kindness and the little things to show that you remember and care all suffice.

but what do you do when the absence is there for good. when something is gone permanently. do you willingly accept defeat in a way or do you fight for it? some people don't realise what is standing right in front of them...but idk...i've just rambled on all blog from one thing to another with not much coherence...o wells and now idk how to end it. but yeaa...

some people just tell you to ignore things, to forget about things, and to just stop caring.
but it easier said than done, it isn't just some switch we can flick on and off.
if only the world worked like that.

Tang & Co.

Happy Birthday to youuuuu
Happy Birthday to youuuuuu
Happy Birthday to iaaaannnn
Happy Birthday tooooooooooooo YOU :)

soooo it's 6am and ive almost been up for a whole 24 hours....celebrating my 18th early, leaving holiday homework until literally the very last minute >___< yiling whilst watching others play fifa and just lazy around binging on food. *drools still cant believe im thinking about that much food after cake, bingefest and drinkfest at karaoke, buffet, and more binging at home with new home made white chocolate macadamia icecream!!!!!! *in heaven "it's so yummehhh!" surprisingly hungry considering its..early..and..T_T all those desserts.. now like 50 kilos heavier after epic dessert gorging.

woke up this morning to get a haircut with ivan (yesterday morning as corrected by yiling). thinking today would be a good day, i woke up early to take my time and get ready so i wouldn't be rushed but OMFG ivan gets stomach ache, goes toilet...then i get a fkn stomach ache...goes toilet too....late for appointment, misses bus GFG o and before i go on about the rest of the day with yiling...lemme quickly say thanks to everyone who came yesterday and crashing over today, thanks for the pressies, good times and fun ^^ thanks to ivan, thanks to bryce and thanks to the asians for screwing me over with my holiday hwk! jks love you guys =)

OMGGGPHOTOWORLD.
asian photowhoring ftw (:
hooray for erica's gg birthday card!
only because raych told ian he would JUST for his bday ehehe we failed but photoworld photos FINALLY. GRAFFITI MUCH?
"penis for yiling and ray - ian"
T_T and then QV cake on cardboard! heheheh plastic spoons from GJs..DQ eating off a piece of recycled cardboard, clutching a brand new super $$$ burberry bag.. LOL!

then offs to the partyworld....karaoke...with white people immersed in an asian experience bahahahahahha go bryce...my dim sim ^^ bhhs asians, billy and david skc and co asians and ivan were all there.....sucks that david couldnt stay the whole day...stupid sumo salad rostering him on when he took the day off ==; yay for singing...even though my throat died halfway through....(YAY FOR TAMBOURINE xD)
got some pressies and some shocks and omfgs....but twas all good in general. some peoples couldnt make it but o wells.
some epic moments:
-dropping my new camera within 10minutes GFGGG!
-thinking my primary skl fnds were serious about getting me nothing even though i was cut on the inside coudlnt show it at all . . . . . .
-singing MULAN!!!! LOLLL
-knocking the drinks over with the superlong mics.
-realising there was a new fusball table
-the imba security guards staring in at us so i couldnt eat my lollies =(
-monash calling me saying they sent me a $200 cheque =)
-sing sing sing
-bryce singing!

and then BAIL for dinner.
On the way to dinner: Eugene pimping..and missing the tram foodfoodfood omnomnomnom
WE WERE ALL SO LOST.
and the fiesty floor manager T_T killlll. SIGH.
but so much fooding
"omfg that lady was a bitch! "
AND SO MANY HALF KILO PRAWNS..that only dq had LOL of course, ian being photowhore!

of course yl didnt write much, she just had dessert after dessert after dessert after dessert and couldn't move. "HEY! not fair..i iceskated so much T_T"
i didn't eat much, twasn't really in the mood...twas pretty stressful cuz of that bitch...and then others couldn't make it etc. >_< style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">--tram--
the walk to ice skating almost killed ian! my poor ojiisan ><
so old and frail and infirm now that he's 180...
should've invested in a walking stick for his birthday!
or false teeth
kekeke iceskating! in docklands!
With DQ ditching the entry fee to be a nerd in the cafe
"random note i forgot about buffet XD...aaron shouted me a cocktail...of course being 180 i didn't get tipsy at all..plenty of exp with my ageee. bahahahahaha"

AND LOL RAYCH KEENAN. tehehehehehe. everyone was stacking it.. and attempting to dance on ice skates! yay nutbush/macarena/chicken dance/thriller xD gg had california gurls stuck in my head all day and the second i take my skates off, it comes on >.<

everyone went off but i wasn't willing to go off cuz i hadn't stacked it yet...but i eventually did. =D
julz also sed she'd take me clubbing? o.0
LOLLLLL tram ride to flinders and omfg run for the train with 3min.
ivan hit the ticket machine on the tramcuz the tram braked whilst i was running into the barricades cuz of the train T___T done car went home...the other went to drop bryce home.
and i got my icecream at his house! yayss...he gave me part1 of a birthday card?
LOLLLl yays for more to come from him kekekeke
now at ians..have been since 1am... still up xD movieeees so so soooo much binging teeheee and now fifa... and us sitting here blogging hahaha
im hungry again
DQ binges over and over and over. what to do now...back to socialising? omfg so screwed for homework. all in all twas a pretty good day with penty of ups and some downs >_< style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">omnomnomchips.