Saturday, May 29, 2010

multiple facades.

when immersed in different environments, people often show many sides of them, many different colors, and numerous facets to their personality that you would never expect.

its been stressful times recently with midyears around the corner. people say that after midyears, they're free. i wish it were the same for me. uni bio exam..which i have to LEARN for as well as 3 sacs..all within 2 days. *sigh

this year, was a year where i wanted to focus, and concentrate, and hope that things would just go my way. however, it's been the total opposite. things that could go wrong seem to go wrong, people are affecting me and concentration, focus and effort just aren't up to scratch. just talking with dad today, he was like you shouldn't let anyone affect you this year. and that the only reason that things would get to you, is if you care about it and can be bothered to be affected by it.

i for one am guilty of caring about things too much? when do you draw the line to stop caring so that you don't get hurt and lose focus? some things are hard to differentiate though when it comes to letting go. are they worth the care and the distractions that come with it, or is the care just a total waste? are you willing to let go of what you care about just to free yourself from the baggage, or hang on to everything and all the crap comes with it because you care so much? i hate that feeling of not being able to decide.

anyhow, as well as the recent stress i guess i have been learning more and more about people around me. the surprises, the ups the downs, the letdowns and disappointments, and the feeling knowing that they care. some people have shown sides i'd never expect to see. i guess the higher the expectations, the bigger the disappointment and let downs, especially those who are close around us. when someone promises you they'd be there, and you turn to them, you do not expect a brick wall in return. thats just mean. on top of that breaking promises is quite GG! @.@ then theres those that are totally oblivious to everything you do and when you finally have the strength to voice this issue, they totally brush it off and say that you're in the wrong? how is that fair? but then there are those who are there for you when you don't expect them to be. those who try to make your day even though they are a bit in your face at times.

when so many people change around you? these it them that's actually changing? or are you just changing so much yourself? being delved into things too deep will just make you blind to what's really going on. =S people are just complicated webs of mess that really screw with your mind. blehhhhh

on lighter notes...formal theres finally less stress for that now. suits done, tables done, limo hired...just small dilemmas left. mostly content. i guess you can't always have it you're way...but it's so hard to try and please everyone.

and chemm..epic gay. i hate it. not looking forward to midyears.

happy reading rayy! LOL

Thursday, May 20, 2010

forgetting myself.

sometimes the system goes on the blink
and the whole thing turns out wrong...

because you had a bad day
you're taking one down
you sing a sad song just to turn it aroun

everyone has a bad day every once in a while. but for me and recent times, i feel like its a never ending cycle. the feeling i get, begins with rage, but as the amount of bad luck comes my way, i just laugh. there isn't actually anything i can do about it.

how to i keep deceiving myself from the depreciation and lies?

as time goes on, people change. those who you would once pretty much die for, end up hurting you the most, and those you trusted with your own life, end up blatantly lying to you and betray that trust you once worked so hard to build. what do you do when you find out though? do you pretend that you don't know that it's happening and go on deceiving yourself? or do you actually do something about it and cut ties with them?

i for one am a fool. nice guys get nowhere in life; they only get trampled on. personally, i always live on deceiving myself about the depreciation. it's too hard to just cut ties. even though what you once had, has diminished, i guess there is that part of you, that still isn't willing to let go, and that you would hang on to anything that you can for it to stay the same, when in actual fact, sometimes even the little things don't count anymore. those that lie, and act as if there is nothing wrong, clearly don't see the worth and value of what they are actually throwing away.

as well as messed up relationships, just like in 'Just My Luck', i'm SOL - shit out of luck. bad things just keep piling up; whether it be with people, work load, stress, rest, or just small things that can really piss you off if they accumulate. that massive week i had recently with the worst luck, just ended up worse and worse. by the end of the week, everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. there was no balance. whilst my bad luck seemed to give certain people positive outcomes, they seem to not show any gratitude whatsoever, and hence brings us back to the deception to yourself. not only do they dismiss it, when confronted about it, they say that they do not show any appreciation because it would cause more damage than harm and that it wasn't worth it. what sort of logic is that?!??!?!?!

these past few days = very SOL. vip night at mc saw the bag i've been wanting badly sold out, whilst at home my computer caught some virus meaning i was not able to use it for two days. i had a uni assignment due today, that i was up late doing last night and finishing off during lunches at school and just before bio today. school computers are slow as, and the rush was not worth it. hopefully the mark would be, but knowing my luck, i'm doubtful. along with the computer debacle, i also saw how selfish my family could get, something that was really frustrating.

add on very little rest, and very little care from the people you want to take notice, you get someone who is very cranky. as i was rushing my assignment, i was then late to bio. i ran out the door, and just missed my bus. get on the next bus, with the smallest connection time for my next bus, i was still hopeful i would make it on time. but OMFG! my bus was full of old people. took so long to get on and off the bus, ended up missing connecting bus. i had to wait for the next one. and the next one, stopped at every FUCKING red light possible. on the way home, i waited 30 minutes in the cold for a bus that never showed up. so i decided to go sit down, as i sat down, i saw the bus drive past me. WTF is this! seriosuly...SOL!

o..and year12 yumpers are fkd apparently. all the letterings are screwd and need to be redone. so finally i have some stress relieved with the assignment done. but i just got reminded that midyears are close. and i haven't done any preparation yet. so scared. not to mention all the work im behind in.

putting in effort to something that isn't worth it, or just trying too hard, as well as the bad luck, stress and restlessness can really confuse your state of mind, and you just end up forgetting to care about yourself. sometimes i just wished, that i could care more about myself, and also for those around me to actually notice and do something about it. *sigh

bad luck, bl - what can you do about it.

Monday, May 17, 2010

end of the road.

I've been travelin'
Get the dust right off the windshield
No one gets the road map to their life
'Cause life is so subjective
I'll take my pain and I wanna protect it
Never blinds me always reminds me
There's so much more to see
At the end of the road

wow. with midyears fast approaching and everything else coming at a whirlwind there really is very little time left for our last yr in high school.

had a chemistry sac today. FML! chemistry and i, are just like oil and water - we dont mix. but its okay. all i need in it is a 30 at least. hopefully i can achieve something higher...high than physics? otherwise gggg if only med didnt need it.

so everyone seems to been frantically panicking about midyears. although i seem to be, im doin very little about it - which is bad. midyears are a bitch this year. luckily i only have the one chemistry exam, but i also have a uni bio exam the week after, which i haven't learnt anything on yet at the moment + 2 assignments for it due in the coming week. no to mention, that same week i also have 3 sacs. FML i guess the one night to just chill that week would be the formal. after epic gayness with it all, i dont actually know what to expect from it, and there are still certain things that make me hesitant. but a week or two after that...DESSERT DAY!!!! yayys ^^

the fact that we have midyears soon, just shows me how quickly the year has gone so far. not to mention, uni courses have been on my mind lately. aside from med, i don't actual know what i want to do. im worried and doubtful at my chances of getting in, but i guess i actually want it quite badly. the UMAT is soon and still i haven't done any preparation for that either. aside from med, i guess biomedicine is always an option. but then i also thought about the risk of not getting into it postgrad. bioengineering is also something to consider? i guess theres a list of things i could do, but am not sure if its my cup of to so to speak. design has also been something i enjoy, but because i don't have a folio, it really limits my choices in uni. so here's a list of things im remotely interested in (they're kinda all over the place):

bachelor of medicine/bachelor of surgery
bachelor of architectural design/masters of architecture
bachelor of science/bachelor of teaching (secondary)
bachelor of business (marketing)/bachelor of business (management)
bachelor of physiotherapy (with honours)
bachelor of nutrition and dietetics
bachelor of pharmacy/bachelor of commerce
bachelor of urban design and planning
bachelor of oral health

i really have no clue what to do. my ultimate dream is to become a pediatrician, but im worried about my UMAT - tbh i think im gonna do very badly in it. my interior design dream kinda fails now, but im surprised that architecture doesnt require a folio. teaching would be okay, and although im not a fan of business, marketing and management are okay if i consider event planning.

VTAC applications start august and end sept. so there isnt really much time left. and i am somewhat scared at what the future holds. its all a mess at the moment.

just to make the year seem more real, and fast paced. we got our second lot of year12 jumpers today. rugby tops and hoodies now. i feel so old now. LOL and fat..cuz of how big they are. x]

im actually nervous and quite freaked out about how its all coming to an end quickly. 13 years of schooling is ending soon and our futures are kinda on the line with all these sacs and mid years. not to mention the people who you may or may not keep in touch with afterwards, whether you want to or not. or whether you are willing to go interstate to pursue you dream, and leave everything behind.

obviously there are those who you see yourself with ages down the line, but you never know. past experiences have taught me to not take anything for granted. even tho certain people still dont seem to appreciate these things.

and to lilbee:

dont be sad even if it seems like the whole world is against you. there are loved ones and ones who you trust and care dearly for who are always there for you. although there are ones who make you cry or upset, and do not seem to appreciate the effort, love and care you put into the relationship, sometimes it just really isn't worth it. you give them chances, but they always end up disappointing you. just ignore those people. cherish those who actually care. there will always be something good to look forward to, no matter how dim your life may be at the moment. just laugh about it. i've learnt to. as sometimes all the crap that happens is just totally out of your control. so laugh. all this comes from recent experience too. and i know cupcakes will always cheer you up :).


Saturday, May 15, 2010

drifting distances

trust takes years to build, seconds to break, forever to repair.. *complements of fb

that goes with friendships too. total strangers can become the closest of friends in one day, and the opposite can happen too.

but sometimes, when something is gone, something else comes by. and sometimes its just one big complicated mess. tangled web..not even a triangle.

intended to cram for my chem sac. but totes faild. did some spesh n that was about it. talked a lot today, and saw a lot. went shopping for formal too.

tension was in the air as usual and as expected. sometimes i wish it would just disappear. for everyones sake.

i saw a lot of people today. TOO MANY! so there was davin ray n the usual at states. but then, crystal came shopping too, and so did my beloved wingu. on the way, i saw xtina! omg i havent seen her in ages. formal shopping too, what a coincidence. bahahahha then went to visit ian.

so then long trek for my shirt n tie began; first stop RDX. me n mui both pointed at the same shirt we liked. n so i tried it on. she tried to be protective but gg that failed o wells. saw dq n nelson. i laughed. gg

went shopping for ages, and didnt really see anything to my fancy. walked for ages and was oober tired. eventually just bought the next decent thing i saw. luckily we didnt by that first shirt, after leaving quickly with a rage. bahahahah

hugo boss shirt + white tie. saw another tie which was 170$ n better, but too $$$$$ the other tie i bought was similar, material was worse but cheaper. here it is

went to cue city aftwds. david was there too...appar im his lover 0.o sorry mui! i lost all my games. GG! so many fkn annoying phonecalls and irritants today. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz o and also, many color retarded things happened to me today. i fail with colors. sighh. LOL chem sac monday...even more sigh. exams n sacs EPIC SIGH! LOL

sat n chilld at starbucks with mui afterwards and just chatted.

the conversation lead to thoughts which sometimes just piss me off:

dont you hate it how people can be faking it to make others happy, when people can see that they are faking it?

dont you hate it when people walk all over you because you're too nice?

dont you hate it when people say im so jealous of your future girlfriend, or i cant wait to meet them, and they are either the person you want or they treat you like trash?

dont you hate it when you try really hard, but reap no rewards, or any recognition for it?

dont you hate it how everything turns out to be one giant messed up web of relationships when all you wanted was to be friends?

dont you hate it how you can plan something with someone for the future and talk about it for ages and look forward to it, but the friendship doesnt last til then for the two of you to enjoy it or experience it?

dont you hate that some childhood memories can be robbed of by the parents through their mistakes?

people come and people leave. and at times, those you want to stay n hold on to, disappear, whilst those you are waiting for, never come, and if they do, they never seem to meet you halfway.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

new beginnings.

so after my giving up on my last blog, i decided to start a new one.
it's been over a year.
i still remember it was jess who got me started, more like forced. BAHAH

oh wells.

life is pretty dull at the moment; year12, no more jobs, and a tonne of work.

so nothing interesting today.

but apparently im semi-psychic!

in health today, ms caldwell told us how she would "unfortunately" be away on friday. me and david both laughed because last friday, i told david i had a dream, that she would be away today and friday so that we would have last off and the morning off. and turns out, we do! so i got it half right. WOOHOO!

which means this week..i get to sleep in everyday besides tomorrow. should be studying for spesh, but instead, am writing this.

on the topic of dreams, i always have pretty random dreams. dreamt of loved ones not here anymore, on the day the went away, or their birthday, wihtout consciously knowing about it or thinking about it too. :S

off to produce some more zzzz's i go now!

Monday, May 10, 2010

house or home

"i've lived all over the world, but no place ever felt like home..." Sarak Walker (Chuck)

What is it that makes a home?

Another house that'll never be home.
When people ask him how he likes this place...
He looks up and says, with a smile upon his face,
This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home.

This song here really sums up how I feel at times, another house I'm just passing through. Through 17 years, I've moved houses 8 times. Eight. That's almost once every 2 years. And people close will know why and due to what circumstances.

With each house, holds certain memories. There are many memories which I would love to relive, but many of these, are overshadowed by those I'd rather repress. It's been almost 4 years now at this house. Probably one of the longest ones I lived in for. This house was promised to be the last time we moved, a promise to escape everything, and hopefully a promise to come true.

Home isn't what house you live in though. At times I feel more at home elsewhere. It's the people I'm around that make me feel like home. Someplace carefree, someplace wanted.

Home I guess, is wherever you want it to be.