a year ago today.

time. special occasions. stepping stones. and days that we just cannot forget.

we all have them, and each is unique to an individual. something precious and important to one person can be absolutely meaningless and pointless to another. but that's what makes them special - the value and significance it holds to ourselves regardless of what others think. something that only you, and maybe a special few, can relate to. something that nobody else will understand. something for you to appreciate and cherish yourself.

whilst there are some milestones which are generally shared with everyone such as birthdays and anniversaries, there are others that people can relate to on a more personal level such as the day someone was diagnosed with cancer, the day someone walked out from your life, the day you waste a second chance, and the day you met someone lifechanging - whether for better or worse.

Who would have thought when chance came calling that this would be my defining story
and who could have guessed on my life's journey I could find my way through this extraordinary day

these things change a person individually - psychologically, emotionally, and sometimes physically. a person's mood, personality and state of mind. such significant events are often hard to forget, and as mentioned before, can be for better or for worse.

they may be the reason that even on the grimmest day that you are still smiling.

but at the same time they can also be the reason why you feel as if though you've hit rock bottom and cannot get back up.

whilst everybody has their 'defining stories' many become long forgotten over time. on the other hand some remain remembered, acknowledged, celebrated and just important - just like my annual dessert day now.

today was significant. and that person knows who they are and why it is. i guess a lot happens over a year. good and bad - it's a roller coaster, but things would be different, very different, otherwise if nothing did happened.

and i must say, today, was a day where i felt happy. happier than my birthday actually - as there were some disappointments then. or maybe it was just the fact that i decided to be happy for what was in front of me rather than what wasn't. but at the same time i was just happy.

...

part of a transcript i found online...pretty much sums up a dog eat dog world.

Some people say that a confidant is difficult to find. Some people also say that a lover is hard to come by.

But nowadays, when love can be exchanged for benefits, friendship can buy power.

Is it really that naive and silly to pursue true love and true friendship?

deluded.

we're all a tad deluded at times. overambitious. sometimes where so delved into something and are so fixated we ignore everything else around it. and sometimes we can be so convinced we're so right, that we don't see that we are clearly in the wrong, or just cannot admit it.

i had the UMAT yesterday. i don't really know how i went. but i'm not expecting an interview for medicine anymore? i know how people say don't give up and don't be negative, but i guess i'm just being a realist. with VTAC applications opening up next week, i really don't know what else i want to do. but more about that later.

last night i watched an MV of some guy being in an abusive relationship and yet he still isn't willing to walk out. it's actually a really good song and i like it. so here it is:



in the UMAT as well there was a passage about some guy who knows his wife is having affair but does nothing because he doesn't want her to leave. i lol'd@one of the answers: something along the lines of enthusiastic with homemaking. bahahahahha

anyhow, i guess we all like seeing the best in people. the people we care dearly about and aren't willing to let go. we hang on to everything good even though the bad is blindingly obvious. sometimes this fixation can get too out of hand, and the only person that suffers in the long run is yourself.

onto other delusional matters. some people are really egotistic. they see themselves as the be all and end all and don't really see anything else. when confronted about a certain matter in regards to their opinion on certain social standings, they clearly saw things differently to how everyone else perceived it. this was actually quite eyeopening - to me at least. some people find themselves being more superior, but are they really? i just found it amusing considering this person seems to be quite the opposite. and to say something about a person who stands by you when others don't...shows how oblivious we are to how others really feel at times. their true colors.

overambition. overestimation. something i seem to always stumble over. this time - future aspirations. after the UMAT i'm beginning to think that medicine was just a tad too ambitious. so now i'm reconsidering courses. but even though i'm reconsidering courses, i still seem to be choosing courses which are probably out of my league.

need to work MUCH harder! ggggggg

legality.

so i'm finally 18. yays!

although the coming week is full of sacs and the UMAT *omg im so screwd*, this weekend was one of the most unproductive ones due to my birthday.

so i celebrated my 18th with friends earlier during the holidays as most people would have been unavailable. but celebrations continued friday through to sunday. busybusybusy

friday night i was to go out to clubs and bars with juliana, xandie and david. i was meant to go from school, to tutor, to dinner to out. but plans fail. all because i forgot my wallet - no money, train ticket or most importantly, i.d. for the night. then missing buses and whatnot too.

anyhow..once i was in the city, met up with the asians for a really brief moment, then rushed to tutor - which then i left from early because he let us. chilled deep at mc with jason and julian and ate some food. then went to dinner and play pool with david and dq. met up with juliana and xandie and david and off to bars we went.

this, btw was after waiting yonks for our other friend who also just turned 18 to decide whether she was coming or not and kept making up excuses. just say no if you don't want to. anyhow...we were also worrying about the people not letting me in before 12 as i wasn't actually 18 yet. when consulting the others, they were just like act casually and walk in. no places checked my i.d. besides the long room because of their poshness. anyhow went to a couple of bars to drink...and i felt fine..didn't feel tipsy at all bahahahhaha 12 o'clock came and the bday texts started to roll in + toasts from the 3 for a happy birthday....add a couple of hours and i was home a bit before 2.

on the sat. met up with my wife and her sister at box hill to scab free boost and gloria jeans. then off to the city...lol at the conversations on the train. then met up with davin and we went to photoworld. rushed to mc to buy movie tickets and off to lunch at korean bbq. reg+octopus=luls 2pm came...not the band..but how i wish i could meet nichkhun LOL...anyhow 2pm came and we went to see inception, all stocked up on coke and popcorn. twas confusing but good. i like it =)

davin then trained home whilst the rest of us went back to mine for mahjong. bryce was meant to come but he didn't last minute. aftwds jess and reg left, we went to the city for buffet dinner with the fam. i was so full and fat after eating so much it was close to painful. LOL came home to play mahjong knowing i would be screwed for tutor tmr and the rest of the week but i really wasn't in the mood to care. disappointments made it =( and i guess its true that the ones you do care about the most can also cause u to be =( the most.

last hbd wish i got was a phonecall which kept cutting off. *stupid blackrock. LOL and that was the end of the plans i had for my birthday...with sunday dedicated to cramming for the week. i think i actually am gonna regret this at the end of vce.

anyhow...today i went to tutor as per usual...bryce called whilst i was driving home so dad told him i'd call back when i was home. so i got home and called him in the car. asking him where we was he said something....there was some guy mowing the lawn so i couldn't make out everything he said but i heard bedroom, i assumed he was talking about his...then as i walked up to the door i was like not at church? *door opens...he's there. x] twas a pleasant surprise. along with part 2 and 3 of his pressies? nawwww and i can't wait for part 4 now =] anyhow..so we just chilled at home.

so there goes the sunday i planned to do all this work. all gone. XD

and that's the end of my birthday. and the celebrations that came with it.

overall it has been good...with a few let downs. but oh wells.

old age.

so what's in an age?
knowledge? patience? wisdom? consideration? maturity?
many of these attributes don't grow as such the older you get.

so i'm finally 18. it doesn't feel any different though. i was never really over the moon happy excited about it, not even on the actual day. i don't know why. maybe it was the fact that i slightly disappointed at time, or maybe it was the fact that i guess a birthday is just not that significant.

but seriously, being 18 is no different to being 17 besides the fact that you are now legal to drink and that you can BUY A GOLDFISH! bahahahahahaha

people, i believe don't grow with age, but with experiences. so in a way i guess it is age, but it isn't at the same time. i feel no difference to what i was feeling two days ago, but i guess people treat you differently now? some people often judge others due to their age. i believe that age isn't that a big a hurdle that people have to overcome, in fact, it is quite minuscule.

in my own time.

So much is happening to me.
So much that I can't even see.
So many words of wisdom that I am trying to be.
Catch me if I should fall.
And even more so while I'm standing tall.

In my own time I'll take a chance.
In my own time I'll find romance. In my own time.
After the clouds there'll be the rain.
After the sun there'll be the moon it doesn't matter.
'cause it'll be in my own time

there is so much happening to me right now.
so much that i can't actually control, handle and take in - whether i like it or not.
so much to do, so little time.
so much stress and pressure, so little acknowledgment and appreciation.
so much to expect, so little achieve.

I NEED MORE TIMEE!

but everything will come and take its place. even though it may seem zzz at times. *sighs
some people never change. and some you just wished they'd understand you for once.

t-24hrs10min =)

road rage.

patience is not a virtue! sometimes....certain people and things push the boundaries and step over the line. and other times...you wait forever and ever for something that never comes...and you ask yourself, what's the point in waiting? is it wishful thinking and not wanting to be disappointed further? or the fact that you don't want to risk losing it and missing out if you opt to wait no longer.

i hate buses! i hate public transport. LOL i waited over an hour for a bus today. i swear...my double free..turned into no free at all...i heard the bells for the period go whilst waiting for the bus. in the time i waited....five buses should have gone past.


NOT
A
SINGLE
BUS
DECIDED
TO
SHOW
UP!!

and i was raging oh so bad.

and another thing i hate...people running yellow-almost-red-lights. especially old people ==;

assert yourself.

many of us quite often find it hard to trust ourselves, trust our own instinct, and lack the self-confidence we have. although there is potential, quite often this is hindered by the fact that we doubt ourselves, doubt one another, and doubt any possibility there is to success.

i for one lack a lot of self-confidence, and most people would seem to agree. this is quite evident in tests and anything important for school eg. sacs and exams. i always tend to feel i do bad, however, my friends always seem to find it annoying how i end up doing well. i guess i too believe i do bad to begin with though. whilst doing well does give me the confidence....it quite often seems to be knocked back down. when i actually believe in myself i often do worse and disappoint as opposed to doubting myself and then surprising myself in the end. so why bother disappointing yourself when you can surprise yourself? i ask myself this all the time.

with the end of vce drawing near, i am again having a lot of doubts in myself. i am seriously doubting my chances of getting into medicine now due to the UMAT...shit scared about it and i'd be lucky enough to even get an interview. xD and with vtac applications opening soon 953257927052305701 decisions are going through my head. not to mention the numerous sacs coming up...and still my 18th just around the corner. *sighs

so i tell myself at times - BE ASSERTIVE! but how much faith can you actually put into yourself? a little motto my friends and i made up to survive unit 2 biology in yr9: dream, believe, achieve! that actually worked for us back then. now on the other hand, i always seem to doubt myself. no point expecting or dreaming of the impossible? no point expecting too much just to be disappointed? i try to be as confident as i can these days, as quite often my self-confidence is the cause of my downfall. but as confident as i can be, i try not to strive that much anymore and am realistic.

misc.

so who here is guilty of standing by and letting important things, significant things, or even just minuscule things pass by and not do anything about it?

im pretty sure the majority of us here have just stood by and done nothing. but is there really ever a time we should step in
? especially when interfering with other people's business. to you, you may seem to be caring, to others, it may seem like your just in their face plain rude and annoying. whilst at times you get told off or ridiculed for just standing there like a tree and let everything pass by, other times you also get hassled about meddling and interfering. so what exactly is the point? you don't do anything to mind your own business and to give them personal space, and you intervene or act upon because you actually care. either way, you don't get appreciated half the time.

just recently i've realised some people are constantly being shut down day after day. to others it may seem hilarious, whilst to the person copping it, it can seem like hell. i guess i'm not the type who is all self righteous and steps in and takes action. i personally am more the type who would be there for the person, comfort them, make sure they're okay and just be there for support.

however, sometimes this care and support isn't enough. some people may just say you're all talk and no action as you don't do anything to act upon it, but at times little do these people realise the amount of effort, time and care you actually put into something. and all you get in return is....silence.

to some, silence may mean everything. to others it may mean the absence of something. whilst some people see person-x and person-y as two identical versions of another, x likes acknowledgment, whilst y doesn't like to make a fuss. x likes to talk, whilst y likes silence. when confronted about awkward silences y goes 'i like being with you because we don't have to say anything'. is that supposed to mean something nice? is it in his mind that just company and time together is enough, without communicating how the other feels?

silence and absence does make the heart grow fonder. you basically want what you can't have. but it gets to a point where you have waited long enough that it is time to think for yourself. at the same time, some silences should just be broken. simple acknowledgments, small acts of kindness and the little things to show that you remember and care all suffice.

but what do you do when the absence is there for good. when something is gone permanently. do you willingly accept defeat in a way or do you fight for it? some people don't realise what is standing right in front of them...but idk...i've just rambled on all blog from one thing to another with not much coherence...o wells and now idk how to end it. but yeaa...

some people just tell you to ignore things, to forget about things, and to just stop caring.
but it easier said than done, it isn't just some switch we can flick on and off.
if only the world worked like that.

Tang & Co.

Happy Birthday to youuuuu
Happy Birthday to youuuuuu
Happy Birthday to iaaaannnn
Happy Birthday tooooooooooooo YOU :)

soooo it's 6am and ive almost been up for a whole 24 hours....celebrating my 18th early, leaving holiday homework until literally the very last minute >___< yiling whilst watching others play fifa and just lazy around binging on food. *drools still cant believe im thinking about that much food after cake, bingefest and drinkfest at karaoke, buffet, and more binging at home with new home made white chocolate macadamia icecream!!!!!! *in heaven "it's so yummehhh!" surprisingly hungry considering its..early..and..T_T all those desserts.. now like 50 kilos heavier after epic dessert gorging.

woke up this morning to get a haircut with ivan (yesterday morning as corrected by yiling). thinking today would be a good day, i woke up early to take my time and get ready so i wouldn't be rushed but OMFG ivan gets stomach ache, goes toilet...then i get a fkn stomach ache...goes toilet too....late for appointment, misses bus GFG o and before i go on about the rest of the day with yiling...lemme quickly say thanks to everyone who came yesterday and crashing over today, thanks for the pressies, good times and fun ^^ thanks to ivan, thanks to bryce and thanks to the asians for screwing me over with my holiday hwk! jks love you guys =)

OMGGGPHOTOWORLD.
asian photowhoring ftw (:
hooray for erica's gg birthday card!
only because raych told ian he would JUST for his bday ehehe we failed but photoworld photos FINALLY. GRAFFITI MUCH?
"penis for yiling and ray - ian"
T_T and then QV cake on cardboard! heheheh plastic spoons from GJs..DQ eating off a piece of recycled cardboard, clutching a brand new super $$$ burberry bag.. LOL!

then offs to the partyworld....karaoke...with white people immersed in an asian experience bahahahahahha go bryce...my dim sim ^^ bhhs asians, billy and david skc and co asians and ivan were all there.....sucks that david couldnt stay the whole day...stupid sumo salad rostering him on when he took the day off ==; yay for singing...even though my throat died halfway through....(YAY FOR TAMBOURINE xD)
got some pressies and some shocks and omfgs....but twas all good in general. some peoples couldnt make it but o wells.
some epic moments:
-dropping my new camera within 10minutes GFGGG!
-thinking my primary skl fnds were serious about getting me nothing even though i was cut on the inside coudlnt show it at all . . . . . .
-singing MULAN!!!! LOLLL
-knocking the drinks over with the superlong mics.
-realising there was a new fusball table
-the imba security guards staring in at us so i couldnt eat my lollies =(
-monash calling me saying they sent me a $200 cheque =)
-sing sing sing
-bryce singing!

and then BAIL for dinner.
On the way to dinner: Eugene pimping..and missing the tram foodfoodfood omnomnomnom
WE WERE ALL SO LOST.
and the fiesty floor manager T_T killlll. SIGH.
but so much fooding
"omfg that lady was a bitch! "
AND SO MANY HALF KILO PRAWNS..that only dq had LOL of course, ian being photowhore!

of course yl didnt write much, she just had dessert after dessert after dessert after dessert and couldn't move. "HEY! not fair..i iceskated so much T_T"
i didn't eat much, twasn't really in the mood...twas pretty stressful cuz of that bitch...and then others couldn't make it etc. >_< style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">--tram--
the walk to ice skating almost killed ian! my poor ojiisan ><
so old and frail and infirm now that he's 180...
should've invested in a walking stick for his birthday!
or false teeth
kekeke iceskating! in docklands!
With DQ ditching the entry fee to be a nerd in the cafe
"random note i forgot about buffet XD...aaron shouted me a cocktail...of course being 180 i didn't get tipsy at all..plenty of exp with my ageee. bahahahahaha"

AND LOL RAYCH KEENAN. tehehehehehe. everyone was stacking it.. and attempting to dance on ice skates! yay nutbush/macarena/chicken dance/thriller xD gg had california gurls stuck in my head all day and the second i take my skates off, it comes on >.<

everyone went off but i wasn't willing to go off cuz i hadn't stacked it yet...but i eventually did. =D
julz also sed she'd take me clubbing? o.0
LOLLLLL tram ride to flinders and omfg run for the train with 3min.
ivan hit the ticket machine on the tramcuz the tram braked whilst i was running into the barricades cuz of the train T___T done car went home...the other went to drop bryce home.
and i got my icecream at his house! yayss...he gave me part1 of a birthday card?
LOLLLl yays for more to come from him kekekeke
now at ians..have been since 1am... still up xD movieeees so so soooo much binging teeheee and now fifa... and us sitting here blogging hahaha
im hungry again
DQ binges over and over and over. what to do now...back to socialising? omfg so screwed for homework. all in all twas a pretty good day with penty of ups and some downs >_< style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">omnomnomchips.

没有你的最后一天.

ten months six days - after all of the efforts and times that i tried, maybe i was in way too deep.

And I can’t STAND the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t STAND the pain

How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

sometimes i just feel like disappearing and letting people do whatever pleases themselves.

apologies to those who care, and apologies for those who i seem to care to much for and just "suffocate" them as they put it.

people talk about crying in the rain so that nobody notices. showers are exactly the same, and your alone in them too. just had a 30 minute shower...sigh. it blocks your nose and makes it hard to breathe >_< and altough some people say letting it all out helps sometimes, tonight it didnt.

lying, deceit, manipulation, interrogation, suspicion, pain and suffering, isolation, sadness - so over all of this.

i remember my last 5 birthdays ending up in tears thinking year after year it would be different and wishing that it would be better....i was expecting so much for my 18th, and now, i just feel like ima feel a sense of deja vu.