nothing.

what's left when you have lost everything?
who will be there for you when you lose everything?


as time goes on, more and more people change in an instant, everything you worked for comes to an abrupt halt, and then you wait and expect certain things to just miraculously get better when in reality, they won't.

time is something that i seem to be losing a lot of recently. although i have a chemistry midyear tomorrow, i still find waste a lot of my time. take today for example - i woke up at 12, went to box hill with my grandma and ivan (who had his biology exam today) for lunch and then went home to just waste time on the comp. i don't know why, although i realise i am wasting time, i seem not to be doing anything about it, but maybe that's because i don't feel i'm achieving anything. everyone has been going on about the towers of practice exams they've gone through and how they have been beasting it, whilst me on the other hand, have been getting really disappointing marks. when you work so hard, and put so much effort in, especially when you finally think you are getting the hang of it, the constant crossing of the pen on the exam paper and the low mark you get is just really degrading and upsetting. in less than 24 hours this will all be over. and then straight back to the books again for me for uni exam n sacs =.=

another thing i seem to be losing is the social distances i share between certain people. as time goes on, social distances change. some drift further away, some become closer, and some go up and down like a yo-yo. what do you do when you realize that it's drifting? what do you do when you are giving it your all to fix it and they just seem to say that it's annoying or too much of a hassle? is it a yo-yo with a broken string which can be untangled with time? or is it the cracking of icecaps never to be together again? with the busy exam period it's understandable that all some people want to do is focus on their exams. this is understandable. what is not understandable however is the backlash you get for either being too distant when all you want to do is give them space since they asked for it, or being to in their face because they said you didn't try or care hard enough for them. i keep telling myself that this is just all because of exam stress in the hope that it gets better afterwards, however, im doubtful. maybe this was just an excuse i wanted to make up to hide the inevitable truth.

being the bigger and nicer person always sucks. sometimes in the end you are left with nothing. and it is because of that, i tell myself maybe i should be a little more selfish and think for myself at times. why is it i always have to take the first step? why can't i be the one waiting for things to happen to me for once? especially when you feel like those close to you are like the broken yo-yo, who is going to be there for you when you lose everything? will there even be anyone there for you? who will actually stand by you through thick and thin? when it comes to push and shove, it really is a dog eat dog world. those who you thought were close will pretty much bail on you in an instead, and won't even think remotely about helping you out.


the world is quite selfish, maybe i should be a bit more too.

those exam markers better not be selfish and tight with my exam tmr ==;